Wednesday, May 15, 2013

On Being Different


This week I created something very childlike: a paper chain to count down the days to the last day of school. 

I admit that even while doing it I knew it was sort of silly.

Yet, I am looking forward to the end of this chapter with glee and longing. 26 days until I will have fulfilled the requirements of my Montessori training. At that point I will be on my own trying to continue the discernment process for the next step in this crazy life of mine.

I look backward at the discernment that led me to this point. Here and here you can read about the very beginning thoughts. Boy, am I glad I've kept this blog. It really helps me see the road I'm traveling. 

I'm a list maker and a thinker and a doer. My lists of late have focused on my options for "employment." I put that word in quotes because I really want to do God's will for my life. To put aside the things of this world (including that crazy thing we call income and retirement planning) to focus on bringing the love of Christ into the everyday life of children and their families. 

Every little step I try to take seems so outside the norm of our world.

"No one who sets his hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

"For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be." Luke 12:34

I have been struggling. Struggling to figure out how to reconcile my duty as a wife and mother with that of a disciple. To live in this world while striving for the next.

I have finally come to the conclusion that all the trials and struggles of this world will fall away when we get to the next. If we love as Christ loved and work to expand His love into all the world, the struggles will come to fruition in the perfection of Heaven.

So I strive to be different. Frankly, I relish my difference for once. To be misunderstood by the world and most of those within it. That is how I will know I'm on the path of righteousness. Yet I struggle. 

But within my struggle ("Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.") I have trust and faith and hope. Trust and faith and hope that the Lord will continue to guide me on this path. That He will show me the way to go. So I am listening and waiting and watching. 

Oh, and studying and learning.

Lead me on, Lord.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Jesuit Discernment, part 2.


I feel like I've been praying and thinking and discerning for months and months. Well, the reality is that....I have been. 

I want nothing more than to do the work God has set before me. 

The difficulty in all of this is that I am an imperfect creature, cursed by sin and living in this world. I'm just not clear about what God wants of me. How do I counter these difficulties? 

Yesterday I wrote about the Jesuit form of discernment based on reason. This form is especially important for people like me who are guided by emotion. However, St. Ignatius gave us another form of discernment to balance reason. It is based on the imagination. 

Have I mentioned how much I admire St. Ignatius? Well, I do. I was BEYOND thrilled when our new pope was a Jesuit.

Back to discernment. 

St. Ignatius gave us a Second Method for discernment based on imagination.

  • Imagine a person you have never met faced with the same decision. What advice would you offer?
  • Imagine yourself at the point of death. How would you feel about your decison?
  • Imagine yourself at the Last Judgement. How will Jesus talk with you about your decisions?
  • Imagine what your BEST SELF would do.
What I find when comparing the discernment protocol for reason vs. the protocol for imagination is two differing endings. 

My reason told me that I must respect my family: bring in a regular income and be available to their needs. This included looking at my actual options: Working at my current job. I had NO OTHER ACTUAL OPTIONS. I asked Mike to give me his opinion on all my options (start a classroom vs. working at an established school) after explaining the Jesuit discernment process.

His advice was to: wait on the opinion of the local church; think about getting more experience at a school before opening my own classroom. (To be honest, this is NOT what I wanted to hear.) I recollected the Ignatian method of confirmation outside oneself. Hard as it was, I took Mike's advice seriously. 

I prayed; I wrote out positive and negative lists; I spent hours of sleepless nights (I have woke consistently at 2 a.m. and prayed the Rosary for over a week)I continued talking with my reasonable husband (who will shoulder the financial burden of my crazy, Montessori, faith formed classroom).

What I have discerned so far: This crazy scheme makes NO sense in the world as we know it. I will likely not make a fortune. I will make an impact on the neighborhood and the children therein. This is the thing that is important.

My reason tells me that it is important to have money for our children to go to college; to have money for our retirement; to have money to upgrade out home. The problem with this type of reason is that all of these are of the world and not of God. Yet I must live in this world, I must think of my family, I must raise my children in our culture. 

We will never go on a cruise; we will never see the great wonders of the Christian world; our children will never have the most popular clothes, books or household items. To tell the truth, I don't much care about any of these things and, fortunately, neither do my children and husband. 

What we do have is this: Love for one another. The grace of the Lord. His unconditional love for all.

I continue to discern. I have so little to offer. What is amazing to me is that he continues to offer our small, little lives to His Glory.

After all of this continued discernment, I was able to come to terms with the idea of working another year at my current job. This is something I could not even consider a few weeks ago. I also worked on being patient, something I'm very bad at doing. I really did not think the local classroom was going to work due to some local regulations. After letting go of my preconceived notions and working to be indifferent, I found that my original plan may work out! 

What has this method of discernment taught me? To be indifferent (and be willing to go where God wants even if it is not where I want to go), to be patient (God works in His own time for His own reasons), to be open with those I love and respect, to look at all sides of the option in prayer, with reason and imagination. 

It is true that we must live in this world. To do so we must be reasonable but also separate from the things this world expects. If we keep our faith at the forefront and look always to love God, He will provide for our needs.

How will this all work out? I still don't know. I am continuing to be patient, to keep ALL of my options open and to trust that the doors will open at the time that is right. Not my time but God's time.

I'll keep you updated.


Saturday, May 4, 2013

Discernment

Lilacs from the back yard.
So much has happened since I've last posted. God guides us in such amazing ways! My classroom is still up in the air but I've got a church interested in the possibility. Wow! So I've been looking at my options for next year. I thought I was being led by the Holy Spirit in one way only to have door after door close in my face. I realized that I really needed some spiritual discernment about the options in front of me. 

I thought by the time I was 43 I'd have it all figured out.

That's part of the problem:  the line, "I'd have it all figured out." I now know that I must let go of the idea that I'm in charge. I must trust in the plan that Jesus has for my life and  to trust that He will lead me. Not easy.

So I went to the Jesuits. 

I love those Jesuits. Their tag line (so to speak) is 'Contemplation in Action.' Yes, living in this world but doing the will of the Father.

So here are some steps I've been taking from the Jesuits. These steps are outlined in the book, The Jesuits' Guide to Almost Everything by Jim Martin. This is a beautiful book and I recommend it to EVERYONE!

Discernment is about LIVING YOUR FAITH IN THE REAL WORLD. Following God's desires for you will naturally lead to peace. 

To be concise about something that really isn't: When you are faced with a decision you can't easily solve, the Jesuits call this the 'Third Time.' To help discern in the face of this uncertainty, do the following:
  • Be indifferent. Come to the choices in front of you with NO preconceived notions. This is VERY difficult at times. For me it was coming to the conclusion that I could very well continue working at my current position. This is something I really did NOT want to do. I had to let go of my negativity.
  • Put the choice before you in prayer.
  • Identify your ultimate objective. For me this is to teach the faith in a Montessori classroom with affordable tuition.
  • Ask God for help to move your heart towards the better decision.
  • Make a list of possible positives and negatives of each option. This also reminds us that all options have positive AND negative outcomes. No decision will provide only positives.
  • Pray about those lists and see which way your reason inclines.
  • Ask for some sort of confirmation from God that this is the right decision. It is VITAL to realize that this confirmation must come from OUTSIDE of you. Don't just look or think about how you FEEL.  I put all of this in front of my very cerebral husband and took his advice very seriously.
This type of discernment is based on reason. I have the unfortunate temperament to make decisions based on my emotions so this is a very important method to employ.

The Jesuits (smart guy, that Ignatius!) also have a method based on imagination. I'll write about it tomorrow. It is important to look at both methods, I think. They showed me two different answers.

Another important thing to remember is that this process can be ongoing. After a decision is made we must continue to reflect on it. This reflection may lead us somewhere new!

This decision-making, acting, reflecting propels us ahead. It's what makes one a 'Contemplative in Action.'
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