On Being Different

This week I created something very childlike: a paper chain to count down the days to the last day of school. 

I admit that even while doing it I knew it was sort of silly.

Yet, I am looking forward to the end of this chapter with glee and longing. 26 days until I will have fulfilled the requirements of my Montessori training. At that point I will be on my own trying to continue the discernment process for the next step in this crazy life of mine.

I look backward at the discernment that led me to this point. Here and here you can read about the very beginning thoughts. Boy, am I glad I've kept this blog. It really helps me see the road I'm traveling. 

I'm a list maker and a thinker and a doer. My lists of late have focused on my options for "employment." I put that word in quotes because I really want to do God's will for my life. To put aside the things of this world (including that crazy thing we call income and retirement planning) to focus on bringing the love of Christ into the everyday life of children and their families. 

Every little step I try to take seems so outside the norm of our world.

"No one who sets his hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

"For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be." Luke 12:34

I have been struggling. Struggling to figure out how to reconcile my duty as a wife and mother with that of a disciple. To live in this world while striving for the next.

I have finally come to the conclusion that all the trials and struggles of this world will fall away when we get to the next. If we love as Christ loved and work to expand His love into all the world, the struggles will come to fruition in the perfection of Heaven.

So I strive to be different. Frankly, I relish my difference for once. To be misunderstood by the world and most of those within it. That is how I will know I'm on the path of righteousness. Yet I struggle. 

But within my struggle ("Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.") I have trust and faith and hope. Trust and faith and hope that the Lord will continue to guide me on this path. That He will show me the way to go. So I am listening and waiting and watching. 

Oh, and studying and learning.

Lead me on, Lord.

Jesuit Discernment, part 2.

I feel like I've been praying and thinking and discerning for months and months. Well, the reality is that....I have been. 

I want nothing more than to do the work God has set before me. 

The difficulty in all of this is that I am an imperfect creature, cursed by sin and living in this world. I'm just not clear about what God wants of me. How do I counter these difficulties? 

Yesterday I wrote about the Jesuit form of discernment based on reason. This form is especially important for people like me who are guided by emotion. However, St. Ignatius gave us another form of discernment to balance reason. It is based on the imagination. 

Have I mentioned how much I admire St. Ignatius? Well, I do. I was BEYOND thrilled when our new pope was a Jesuit.

Back to discernment. 

St. Ignatius gave us a Second Method for discernment based on imagination.

• Imagine a person you have never met faced with the same decision. What advice would you offer?
• Imagine yourself at the point of death. How would you feel about your decison?
• Imagine yourself at the Last Judgement. How will Jesus talk with you about your decisions?
• Imagine what your BEST SELF would do.

What I find when comparing the discernment protocol for reason vs. the protocol for imagination is two differing endings. 

My reason told me that I must respect my family: bring in a regular income and be available to their needs. This included looking at my actual options: Working at my current job. I had NO OTHER ACTUAL OPTIONS. I asked Mike to give me his opinion on all my options (start a classroom vs. working at an established school) after explaining the Jesuit discernment process.

His advice was to: wait on the opinion of the local church; think about getting more experience at a school before opening my own classroom. (To be honest, this is NOT what I wanted to hear.) I recollected the Ignatian method of confirmation outside oneself. Hard as it was, I took Mike's advice seriously. 

I prayed; I wrote out positive and negative lists; I spent hours of sleepless nights (I have woke consistently at 2 a.m. and prayed the Rosary for over a week)I continued talking with my reasonable husband (who will shoulder the financial burden of my crazy, Montessori, faith formed classroom).

What I have discerned so far: This crazy scheme makes NO sense in the world as we know it. I will likely not make a fortune. I will make an impact on the neighborhood and the children therein. This is the thing that is important.

My reason tells me that it is important to have money for our children to go to college; to have money for our retirement; to have money to upgrade out home. The problem with this type of reason is that all of these are of the world and not of God. Yet I must live in this world, I must think of my family, I must raise my children in our culture. 

We will never go on a cruise; we will never see the great wonders of the Christian world; our children will never have the most popular clothes, books or household items. To tell the truth, I don't much care about any of these things and, fortunately, neither do my children and husband. 

What we do have is this: Love for one another. The grace of the Lord. His unconditional love for all.

I continue to discern. I have so little to offer. What is amazing to me is that he continues to offer our small, little lives to His Glory.

After all of this continued discernment, I was able to come to terms with the idea of working another year at my current job. This is something I could not even consider a few weeks ago. I also worked on being patient, something I'm very bad at doing. I really did not think the local classroom was going to work due to some local regulations. After letting go of my preconceived notions and working to be indifferent, I found that my original plan may work out! 

What has this method of discernment taught me? To be indifferent (and be willing to go where God wants even if it is not where I want to go), to be patient (God works in His own time for His own reasons), to be open with those I love and respect, to look at all sides of the option in prayer, with reason and imagination. 

It is true that we must live in this world. To do so we must be reasonable but also separate from the things this world expects. If we keep our faith at the forefront and look always to love God, He will provide for our needs.

How will this all work out? I still don't know. I am continuing to be patient, to keep ALL of my options open and to trust that the doors will open at the time that is right. Not my time but God's time.

I'll keep you updated.

Discernment

Lilacs from the back yard.

So much has happened since I've last posted. God guides us in such amazing ways! My classroom is still up in the air but I've got a church interested in the possibility. Wow! So I've been looking at my options for next year. I thought I was being led by the Holy Spirit in one way only to have door after door close in my face. I realized that I really needed some spiritual discernment about the options in front of me. 

I thought by the time I was 43 I'd have it all figured out.

That's part of the problem:  the line, "I'd have it all figured out." I now know that I must let go of the idea that I'm in charge. I must trust in the plan that Jesus has for my life and  to trust that He will lead me. Not easy.

So I went to the Jesuits. 

I love those Jesuits. Their tag line (so to speak) is 'Contemplation in Action.' Yes, living in this world but doing the will of the Father.

So here are some steps I've been taking from the Jesuits. These steps are outlined in the book, The Jesuits' Guide to Almost Everything by Jim Martin. This is a beautiful book and I recommend it to EVERYONE!

Discernment is about LIVING YOUR FAITH IN THE REAL WORLD. Following God's desires for you will naturally lead to peace. 

To be concise about something that really isn't: When you are faced with a decision you can't easily solve, the Jesuits call this the 'Third Time.' To help discern in the face of this uncertainty, do the following:

• Be indifferent. Come to the choices in front of you with NO preconceived notions. This is VERY difficult at times. For me it was coming to the conclusion that I could very well continue working at my current position. This is something I really did NOT want to do. I had to let go of my negativity.
• Put the choice before you in prayer.
• Identify your ultimate objective. For me this is to teach the faith in a Montessori classroom with affordable tuition.
• Ask God for help to move your heart towards the better decision.
• Make a list of possible positives and negatives of each option. This also reminds us that all options have positive AND negative outcomes. No decision will provide only positives.
• Pray about those lists and see which way your reason inclines.
• Ask for some sort of confirmation from God that this is the right decision. It is VITAL to realize that this confirmation must come from OUTSIDE of you. Don't just look or think about how you FEEL.  I put all of this in front of my very cerebral husband and took his advice very seriously.

This type of discernment is based on reason. I have the unfortunate temperament to make decisions based on my emotions so this is a very important method to employ.

The Jesuits (smart guy, that Ignatius!) also have a method based on imagination. I'll write about it tomorrow. It is important to look at both methods, I think. They showed me two different answers.

Another important thing to remember is that this process can be ongoing. After a decision is made we must continue to reflect on it. This reflection may lead us somewhere new!

This decision-making, acting, reflecting propels us ahead. It's what makes one a 'Contemplative in Action.'

Another Door Closed

I've been spending some time in the backyard flower beds and garden boxes. It is so healing to be out there. These last few weeks have been really rough ones. Another door has slammed shut on my Montessori classroom. It seems we need to have a driveway in order to comply with the township regulations to have any kind of childcare in our home. Alas, we do not have a driveway. It makes no financial sense to add one so I'm back to the drawing board.

I've been praying a lot lately. Asking for guidance. The theme that comes through is TRUST. It is one thing I have a very difficult time obtaining. I am a bit of a control freak. I don't know why. I don't like the idea that I'm not planning my own life. However, it seems none of my plans have worked out very well so I best listen to what I'm being told. I've also had a great deal of difficulty with PATIENCE. I'm a doer by nature and sitting by and waiting for things to happen just isn't my style.

Yet I am being asked, no....told....to wait. To trust. To have patience.

I am trying to be obedient. It is a very hard road for me. So for now, I am putting away all of my thoughts of Holy Spirit Montessori. If it is meant to be, it will be. I have no ability to control it. What I will do next school year is really up in the air. 

So I will finish out these last two months of my internship, obtain my certification and wait. 

In the meantime my garden is beckoning. I hope to blog more. I have missed it. Perhaps I'll go back to sewing a few things. We cleaned out the sunroom in preparation for some updates and are still planning to do a few of those in the next few months. 

And I'll continue to trust. To trust that the Lord has a plan for me. He didn't make me a worker for naught. How I will work for him over the long term is unknown. I will do the little things I can every day. Love, trust, study and pray.

Moving ever forward....

I've spent the last several months trying to work out a way to open a little preschool at my parish of St. Mary's. I really have felt the hand of the Holy Spirit at work in it. Unfortunately, there were quite a few issues keeping the dream from happening. I thought all the work and preparation were, not wasted, but to be put aside for a time. I looked into getting a job at the local Montessori schools. Neither have any openings but both want to talk with me in case something comes up in the future. There are two problems with both schools. Now, don't get me wrong, they are both good schools. It's just that I have really felt strongly that I wanted to teach the Catholic faith and I want the school to be affordable. Neither can happen at either local school. 

So I thought I'd just teach for a while, get some experience and continue to plan for my own school. 

Except that I really feel called to something different. I felt almost betrayed by God. That all my (and other's) hard work was for nothing. Then I began to think I could have a little school in our home. That to start small would be best. But still I looked at the hurdles and wondered if I was trying to accomplish this of my own will, not God's.

I prayed and studied and begged God to tell me what he wants for me. It came to me one day while listening to my devotions on the way to work. That I could serve God in whatever I was doing. That if I focused on Him and used the other things of this world to accomplish living for him and helping others to do the same it didn't matter what I was doing. He would bless it all.

I believe that I can best serve Him by teaching about Him! So we are working to ready our sunroom for a class or two of children. We have the birds and the trees and the squirrels and the gardens right out of the window. It is a beautiful spot to learn. It is a transitional space, I think. I can have only 6 students at a time and plan to offer a 3-day and a 2-day class. 

I still have worries. I know that I must put them aside and believe that God will bless this project. If all of the doors close again, then I will walk down another path. For now, the gates are open and we are skipping down the Yellow Brick Road!

Holy Thursday and a rant

The Sacristy during Lent 

Today is Holy Thursday. Some call it Maundy Thursday in reference to Jesus' washing of his disciples feet. It is one of the most beautiful Liturgies in the church year. We begin the celebration of Jesus' last supper by remembering his unheard of act: kneeling down to wash his disciples feet. He did this to burn into their memories the idea that we are here to serve others, not to be served. To love each other unconditionally. 

There are some who are upset when the priest washes the feet of women during this Liturgy. They believe that because Jesus had only male disciples, only males should be used during this service. I believe that is a VERY short sited view of what Jesus was doing. Yes, he was preparing his disciples for life without him. But, he was also showing great love to them. He wanted them to go out into ALL the world and preach the gospel. He charged them to do so with love. By censuring who can have their feet washed we are limiting the message Jesus was presenting. 

I hope as we enter the Triduum this evening, the Three Days, that we can peel off the shell of this world we live in and immerse ourselves, our hearts, our minds and our actions in the love of Jesus. That we can better understand the sacrifice he made for us so that we can go out and live that sacrificial love in this world and with all we meet. No matter who they are.

What Jesus can do to us and for us is so well said in this passage from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader  by C.S. Lewis. If you've never read the story, this passage is told by Eustace,who was a terribly rotten boy who was turned into a dragon by his greed and meanness. Aslan, the Lion, helps him out of his skin.

Then the lion said, 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of the claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. ... 'Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off--just as I thought I'd done it mself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt--and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me--I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on--and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again.

May we be washed clean of all that dragon skin this Easter. It won't be easy, will it?

Spring

Crocuses. They warm my heart. Every. Year.

It's been quite a difficult year. Difficult in a good way. What an odd statement that last sentence seems. But, yes, difficult in a good way. Difficulties often make us grow in ways we could not imagine while going through them. 

I'll be 43 in a few weeks. I'm not sure how the years have gone this quickly. Yet, in many ways I feel I'm still beginning. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. It seems silly to be 43 and still unsure of where my life will lead. Yet, having lived those 43 challenging years, I'm wise enough to know that every day is a blessing and that the lessons each day brings will help me in the future, whatever that future brings.

The calendar tells me that we have passed the Vernal Equinox. Spring. It is here. At least in terms of the light that enters our days. It has been very cold this year. A direct contrast to last year's warmth. 

I'm closing in on the end of my Montessori Internship. In a few months I'll be an officially certified Montessorian. I can then call myself a TEACHER. Until I have my own classroom, I don't think I will be able to tell people I'm a teacher. Just yesterday at the doctor's office the nurse asked if I was a teacher and I couldn't say "yes." I just said, "I work in a Montessori school." 

I hope in the next year to be able to say "I'm a teacher." I feel like I've longed to say those words for years. Yet, I'm not quite there.

Sometimes you are led to something by the Creator but your understanding of the Gift is INCOMPLETE. 

Patience, as my mother tried over and over to teach me, is a VIRTUE. 

So, in this season of Spring, I wait. I wait for the warmth that I know will come. I also wait for the fulfillment of HOPE that has been in my heart for years.

Patience. It is a virtue. 

Happy Spring.